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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."