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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.