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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.