Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.