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The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.