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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.