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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.