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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.