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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.