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Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.