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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.