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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!