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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.