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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.