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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.