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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.