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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Hello? HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.