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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."