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Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.