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Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
My life is just one long improvisation.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.