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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.