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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.