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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.