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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.