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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list