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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...