Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.