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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!