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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.