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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.