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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.