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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to