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Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.