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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.