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The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.