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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.