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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.