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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing