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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.