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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.