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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.