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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.