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Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.