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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Condoms prevent minivans.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.