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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.