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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.