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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Long story short, I love summaries.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.