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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Girls just wanna have funds.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.