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People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?