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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.