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Long story short, I love summaries.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
My inner self is in Photoshop
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.