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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.