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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.