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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.