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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver