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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.