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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.