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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!