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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I hate when Iām comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.