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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!