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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.