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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.