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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.