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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.