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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
It´s never to late to be happy
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.