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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.