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Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?