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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.