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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend