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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...