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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.