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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…