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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver