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The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...