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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.