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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
My mom says I`m special.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.