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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Iām jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes