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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Smooth move.........ExLax
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.