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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Don`t waste my timeline.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.