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I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life