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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.