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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!