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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.