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I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat