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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.